Old Bill's Almanack

January A very flat month, including Wales and Scotland. The Euro disappears, with no news of it at all. The doomy pundits at the BBC are suicidal, without anything to say. David Cameron calls the French “cheese-eating surrender monkeys” and is sued for plagiarism by the USA. A tsunami sweeps up the River Arrow and destroys Alcester's flood preparations. Unexplained sounds of phantom tittering are heard in Studley, which then suffers an outbreak of the Plague.

February. Unexpected rain drowns out the cricket competition at Edgbaston. King Arthur awakes in a cave in Wales, finds the country in a much worse moral state than he thought, and stamps off in a temper to live it up on the French Riviera. A new Skate-park is planned, to go over the Baptist Church. There are few objections, none from teenagers, who welcome the idea.

March Unexpected gales destroy the new wind generators installed on St. Nicholas' Church. Insurers say it was “An Act of God”, and refuse to pay. Alcester's Winter Olympics are cancelled because of snowdrifts and ice. Euros are spotted breeding in Albania, and the Financial Meerkats go crazy, charging them mounted on dogs. Ed Miliband is invited to join the Coalition government, along with the Labour Party, and he accepts. UKIP, the Queen, and Dennis Skinner are now HM Official Opposition. Nobody cares.

April Unexpected showers disrupt the Geriatric Beauty Contest on Conway Fields. Mrs. Grimp, 74, says “I was a sure winner, but my bikini was not up to getting wet, and I was disqualified for obscenity.” An Alcester Community Centre wins another award for 'Service to the Public', sponsored by Bellway Homes, judged by Trebor. Arrow WI holds an investigation into phone tapping, drug use and corruption, and finds some.

May Unexpected hot weather brings the Town Council out in a rash. “We are not rash by nature”, says a spotty spokesperson. A book is published, “Beneficiaries of the Greig Charity”; it is two pages long (One is blank).

June 'Experts' of all kinds are invited to a convention at Wembley, then showered with tar and feathers, to the great approval of the Public. The Folk Festival breaks all records. Not surprising, as they only have live music.

July There will be no weather at all this month. The Town's Christmas Bazaar is held in the High Street, attended by Santa and his Gnomes and is a great success. Rumours of an Olympic Festival of Sports down South are scorned, as Alcester was not asked to take part. Likewise with rumours about the Queen's 60th Anniversary Party.

August God raises the whole population of Alcester up to Heaven, then drops them immediately back to Earth, saying there was an administrative error, sorry. Nobody is hurt, although the Court Leet suffer damage to their dresses. They wonder who to sue. The Coalition government passes, its 1000th law. Nobody cares.

September It is revealed that the Duke of Edinburgh actually died before Christmas 2011, but was mummified and fitted with robotic systems, at the Queens request, and expense. This is discovered when he is amazingly polite to a waitress, as his programmed 'rude gaffe mode' is accidentally switched off, and people start to ask questions. The Greig Centre get an award from 'Santa' of £10M, and reopen the main Hall as a Museum to Hannah Susan Greig, by popular request, they claim. 'Santa' is revealed as a Saudi Sheikh who lives on Captain's Hill.

October There may be some weather returning this month, in small doses. A new religious cult starts in the Town, initiated by the Court Leet, known as 'Leetism.' There is some confusion when the Mayor is called 'A Leetist', and he denies being 'Elitist'. Fighting breaks out in the High Street one Friday, but is quelled by the following Thursday. A 'Leetist Temple' is erected on Conway Fields, next to the MUGA and the Depot youth club, those Temples to Youth. Followers of Leetism can be spotted by their long dresses, smug fatuous smiles and curly wigs

November Unexpected fog brings the Clarkson Wheelchair Grand Prix to a halt, when there is a pile-up against the Town Hall, with many injured. Clarkson comically says with a smile, “No real damage, they were all crippled to begin with!”

December There's no Christmas shopping spree, as money is now obsolete. The Euro is declared extinct. OAPs become the “richest”, as they have most stuff to barter. Teenagers are declared 'slaves of the community' and must work for nothing until they can prove themselves fit to be called adults. Nobody cares any more, for anything.