Scots War of independence (part 2)


We all remember when the quarrel got serious. It was early in 2012, between Dave 'No I'm Not Scottish, Not A Bit' Cameron, and Alex 'Wild Scottish' Salmond. And look what has resulted from those seemingly innocent beginnings. First, there's the New Hadrian's Wall, erected with the aid of Israeli engineers, twenty metres high, three metres thick, with no gaps in it at all. It is matched by Cameron's Folly, the Scottish version which runs parallel, topped with electric wires and poisoned barbs. Then there's the fact that English is forbidden in the country once know as Scotland, now called Alba, and Gaelic is compulsory. As over 95% of the population had no knowledge of Gaelic, this meant a slowing-down of social interaction, to say the least. Armies of Gaelic Inspectors enforced the law rigorously, with severe penalties for any English heard or seen. The expulsion of the English from Scotland was nothing compared with the sending-back of the Scots out of England. David Cameron lost his appeal, and now lives on a remote island in the Hebrides, protected by his family. And these are only a few of the more obvious results of Scottish Independence.

Perhaps it is worth going over the progress of events, leading to the actual War, that separated our two countries. After the initial spat between Salmond and Cameron, Salmond went and held a referendum anyway, with only one question on it: “D'ye want rid o' them Sassenach Bastards? Aye or Nay?” The emblem of the Scottish National Party was changed to two fingers rampant, and there was a narrow majority for separation. Salmond immediately declared himself President, and seized the oil lines in Aberdeen. The English, somewhat taken aback by this rudeness, declined to send any money to the Scots. They said that if they wanted it, they could come and get it, if they thought they were hard enough.

It was the attempted internment of every Scotsman on the Isle of Man that really started hostilities. About 1000 people whose name began with 'Mac' were rounded up and sent to live in huts in Douglas. At once, the Scots commandeered the Glasgow ferries and raced at night to rescue their countrymen. After a brief skirmish on the moors, all the 'Macs' were taken off to Glasgow, amidst cheering and fireworks on their arrival. From then on, Scottish people were taken to the Isle of Wight, which became known as the English 'Guantanamo at Ventnor'.

There were several more incidents. There was the celebrated 'Lifting of the Kilts' incident at the Queen's Diamond Jubilee, which was partly hushed up at the time. Thousands of Scottish men gathered at Hyde Park Corner in their kilts, apparently to cheer Her Majesty as she passed in her open Landau. At the moment she went by, they were all supposed to lift their kilts in sychronicity, and this would have happened, had not MI5 got word of the plot the previous night. As they lifted their kilts, WI Swat Teams sprang into action, wielding long scissors, pliers, garden shears, all collected at a moments notice. The ensuing panic as the Scots fled into Hyde Park was thought by the viewing public to be a comedy turn, but later the ghastly truth came out. If it had not been for so many of these gallant WI women, who knows what the results may have been.

'Burns' Night in 2013 was literally that, fires being started up by thousands of exploding haggises. The attempt to pacify the Scots by sending in teams of Community Police, trained to say, “Hoots, Mon, it's a braw bricht moonlicht nicht the nicht, ye ken,” was a dismal failure, as the Scots did not think it at all funny. The end came when a battalion of the Neasden Lowlanders were defeated at the Battle of Loch Ness. All English people were given two days to leave, a nuclear submarine in Gareloch was commandeered, and Alex Salmond declared himself the Lord High Supremo Dictator-in-Chief, King of Alba, and Thane of Cawdor to Boot. There was no arguing with all that, so we slunk away to redesign the Union Jack with no blue in it, abandon singing 'Auld lang Syne' on New Year's Eve, rename everything and everyone that sounded remotely Scottish, (remember 'Big Macs' became 'Big Taffys'?), and get on with Life without Scotland.

It turned out to be really very easy. Scotch whiskey was known as Whiskey, and tankers of it were imported from Japan, with hardly anyone complaining. The Five Nations Rugby became the Four Nations, until Belgium joined, and it went back to being Five. I think we miss the Scots though. We have mocked the Welsh for centuries, and they never fight back, the Irish are too ferocious. We have taken to mocking ourselves more, but we do miss you, Jock, we really do.